I'm going to try a somewhat more thoughtful post today. People always say that Peace Corps service is a lot of ups and downs, and that's very true. But not quite in the way I was expecting. I guess I was expecting some loneliness, challenges with language, difficulties with food, water, electricity, etc. But none of those things have bothered me: I haven't felt alone since the first week or two, my language needs work but is progressing nicely, and food, water, and electricity are blessedly stable and adequate here (mostly). No, the thing that has been bothering me the most has been me.

When you are put somewhere alone to do a self-motivated, self-designed job, you quickly learn the most difficult part, which is the "self." It's not that I'm lazy. I hope. It's more that, because I am young and only a year out of college, I am pretty used to having someone prescribe my work for me. When I was manager of the helpdesk at Wes along with Justin, I had the most say in my job that I've ever had, and I liked it a lot. I'd like to think I did a good job. But even then, I had a director who worked really hard to keep us afloat and we received a lot of direction from her. The most guidance we receive from Peace Corps is some information on how to get ideas for what to do, or how to plan a conceived project (ok training in that area was less than adequate, but that is another story). Not to say that PC doesn't support us; they do, fully. But they aren't there to give us a job description. Also, my counterpart here, though she has ideas, isn't pushing any one job on me, other than the English classes. My computer classes are going well, but they are mainly designed by the training coordinator here.

Now, as far as what to do, I have no shortage of ideas. I've got about a dozen ideas for projects, both major and minor to do in the next couple years. I've been mostly thinking about the major ones, but I haven't yet started them because I keep thinking it's too early for them, and I don't want to get involved in something huge now while I'm still such a newbie at planning and teaching classes. But there are also minor projects I could be tackling.

So what is bothering me about me? That fact that I have yet to tackle one of these projects. Now, the Peace Corps, along with most sensible people, would say "Oh come on, you've been there a few weeks, take your time." And in fact, PC recommends that community development people take about 3 months to just kind of watch the community, build contacts, find out what people need, etc. So I'm only about halfway through that period. And every PC volunteer I've spoken to has said not to set high expectations and not to push yourself too hard, because the end result is disappointment: one person can only do so much in such a short period of time. But nonetheless, I can't shake the feeling that I expect a lot more from myself. I don't expect to change this place in 2 months, let alone two years. But I do expect myself to do lots of small things, and so far I haven't even dented my list.

So what am I going to do? Organize a road race for World AIDS Day. It's short notice (5 weeks away), but I think I might be able to pull it off. Most of the burden of organizing falls on me and Nadia, but if I can do a lot next week, I bet we could have a successful event. The idea is that, in conjunction with this global event, we have something to promote health and bodily care in general, with additional focus on AIDS.

Anyway. It's not that I'm disappointed with what I am doing. I just kind of feel like after spending so much time in the youth center here, I should have more to show for it. But starting on Monday, I have resolved to spend less time on the internet here (it's incredible how addictive it is), and more time getting around and doing things.